Woody Allen turns 77 this month. He has written and directed more than forty movies, and starred in most of them. He has published four short story collections and several plays, and, starting out, wrote for comedy shows and his own stand-up routines. He’s had a long career of great one-liners and gags! Here are just a few.
1. From Broadway Danny Rose (1984)
Mob wife Tina Vitale, on her ex: They shot him in the eyes.
Agent Danny Rose: Oh my God—he’s blind?
Tina: He’s dead.
Danny: Of course. The bullets would go right through…
2. From Play It Again, Sam (1972)
Allen Felix: Yeah, I’m fine. I snapped my chin down onto some guy’s fist and hit another one in the knee with my nose.
3. From Hannah and Her Sisters (1986)
TV Producer Mickey: And Nietzsche, with his theory of eternal recurrence. He said that the life we lived we’re gonna live over again the exact same way for eternity. Great. That means I’ll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.
4. From Small Time Crooks (2000)
Crook Ray: “The Brain.” That’s what the guys used to call me, right?
Crook Benny: But, Ray, that was sarcastic!
5. From Take the Money and Run (1969)
Cello teacher Mr. Torgwell, on criminal Virgil’s cello lessons as a child: He had no conception of the instrument. He was blowing into it!
6. From Bullets Over Broadway (1994)
Playwright David Shayne: Was there nothing in the original draft that you feel was worth saving?
Actress Helen Sinclair: The stage directions were lucid. The best I’ve ever seen… and the color of the binder. Good choice.
7. From Annie Hall (1975)
Alvy Singer on Los Angeles: I don’t want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage is being able to make a right turn on a red light.
8. From The Purple Rose of Cairo (1985)
Screen actress Cecilia: I just met a wonderful new man. He’s fictional, but you can’t have everything.
9. From Love and Death (1975)
Boris: The question is: Have I learned anything about life? Only that human beings are divided into mind and body. The mind embraces all the nobler aspirations, like poetry and philosophy, but the body has all the fun.
10. From Bananas (1971)
Announcer Don Dunphy: Good afternoon. Wide World of Sports is in the little republic of San Marcos where we’re going to bring you a live, on-the-spot assassination. They’re going to kill the president of this lovely Latin-American country and replace him with a military dictatorship. And everybody is about as excited and tense as can be. The weather on this Sunday afternoon is perfect, and if you’ve just joined us, we’ve seen a series of colorful riots that started with the traditional bombing of the American embassy, a ritual as old as the city itself.
Do you have a favorite Woody Allen line? – Steve